by wdf on August 10, 2011
in Random
The recession has hit everybody really hard…
- My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
- Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
- CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
- I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
- If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
- McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
- My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
- A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
- A picture is now only worth 200 words.
- When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
- The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
by wdf on August 8, 2011
in Random
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water . .. . And is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn’t run, barely walks & does nothing…yet lives for 450 years.
And the doc wants me to exercise!! HAAAAAAA!
by wdf on June 10, 2011
in Random
After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life,an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin .
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. ‘How ’bout that!’ he exclaims, ‘Here’s a picture of me Fadder.’
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn’t like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin’, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror….
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, ‘So that’s the ugly cow he’s runnin’ around with.’
by wdf on June 7, 2011
in Random
The kids have all their little codes…like BFF ( best friends forever ), LOL (laugh out loud), OMG (Oh my God) etc
So here are some codes for seniors:
ATD – At the Doctor’s
BFF – Best Friends Funeral
BTW – Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM – Covered by Medicare
CUATSC – See You at the Senior Center
DWI – Driving While Incontinent
FWBB – Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW – Forgot Where I Was
FYI – Found Your Insulin
GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA – Got Heartburn Again
HGBM – Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO – Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL – Living on Lipitor
SDTM – Shout Dirty To Me
OMMR – On My Massage Recliner
OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL…CGU – Rolling on the Floor Laughing…Can’t get Up!
TTYL – Talk to You Louder
WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA – Wet the Furniture Again
WTP – Where’s the Prunes
WWNO – Walker Wheels Need Oil
by wdf on June 4, 2011
in Random
My mate’s missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never come back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,”Not bad, I’ve been using that powdered stuff.”
_____
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, “Is this your wife, sir?”
Shocked, I answered, ” Yes.”
They said, “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus.”
I said, “I know, but she has a lovely personality.”
_____
Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up & says, “Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it.”
The second picks it up & says, “You daft bastard it’s me!”
_____
Paddy’s in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see’s him hanging by his feet.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself,” Paddy replies.
“It should be round your neck,” says the guard.
“I tried that,” says Paddy, “but I couldn’t breathe.”
_____
Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it’s upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, “Why are you throwing them away?”
“Because they’re upside down,” says Paddy.
“You daft prat,” replies Murphy, “save ‘em for the ceiling!!”
by wdf on June 2, 2011
in Random
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from
the Arabs and they’re going to drill for their own oil.
