irish

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life,an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin .

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. ‘How ’bout that!’ he exclaims, ‘Here’s a picture of me Fadder.’

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn’t like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin’, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.

So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror….

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, ‘So that’s the ugly cow he’s runnin’ around with.’

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My mate’s missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never come back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,”Not bad, I’ve been using that powdered stuff.”
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The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, “Is this your wife, sir?”
Shocked, I answered, ” Yes.”
They said, “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus.”
I said, “I know, but she has a lovely personality.”
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Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up & says, “Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it.”
The second picks it up & says, “You daft bastard it’s me!”
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Paddy’s in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see’s him hanging by his feet.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself,” Paddy replies.
“It should be round your neck,” says the guard.
“I tried that,” says Paddy, “but I couldn’t breathe.”
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Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it’s upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, “Why are you throwing them away?”
“Because they’re upside down,” says Paddy.
“You daft prat,” replies Murphy, “save ‘em for the ceiling!!”

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This financial crisis is forcing state and local agencies to make some tough decisions. “If things continue for much longer, there’s a real risk that we may have to lay off Eugene.”

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A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant

“Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients”.

“Yes, sir!” answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: “So,Murphy, how was your day?”

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.”

“Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?” asks the doctor

“The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir” says Murphy.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: ‘HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!’”

“Tunderin’ lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?” asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.”

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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit.

As she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

‘What man here will buy a lass a drink?’

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, ‘Pour the ballerina a drink!’

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, ‘What man here will buy a lass another drink?’

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,

‘Give the ballerina another drink!’

The bartender approached the drunk and said, ‘Tell me, Paddy, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?’

The drunk replied, ‘Any woman who can lift er leg that highs got to be a ballerina!

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