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jewish

The Tax Man Auditing a Synagogue

by wdf on March 5, 2010

in Random

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, ‘I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?’

‘Good question,’ noted the Rabbi. ‘We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.’

‘Oh,’ replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: ‘What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?’

‘Ah, yes,’ replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. ‘We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.’

‘I see,’ replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. ‘Well, Rabbi,’ he went on, ‘what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?’

‘Here, too, we do not waste,’ answered the Rabbi.

‘What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.’

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Why Jewish Daughters Need Therapy

by wdf on February 23, 2010

in Relationship,Women

Jewish Mother: “Hello?”

Daughter: “Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?”

Jewish Mother: “You’re going out?”

Daughter: “Yes.”

Jewish Mother: “With whom?”

Daughter: “With a friend”

Jewish Mother: “I don’t know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.”

Daughter: “I didn’t leave him. He left me! ”

Jewish Mother: “You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.”

Daughter: “I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids? ”

Jewish Mother: “I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.”

Daughter: “There are lots of things that you did, and I don’t.”

Jewish Mother: “What are you hinting at? ”

Daughter: “Nothing, I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.”

Jewish Mother: “You’re going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?”

Daughter: “My EX husband. I don’t think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!”

Jewish Mother: “So you’re going to sleep over at this loser’s place?”

Daughter: “He’s not a loser.”

Jewish Mother: “A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.”

Daughter: “I don’t want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not? ”

Jewish Mother: “Poor children with such a mother.”

Daughter: “Such a what?”

Jewish Mother: “With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.”

Daughter: “ENOUGH!!! ”

Jewish Mother “Don’t scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too! ”

Daughter: “Now you’re worried about the loser? ”

Jewish Mother: “Ah, so you see he’s a loser. I spotted him immediately.”

Daughter: “Goodbye, mother.”

Jewish Mother: “Wait! Don’t hang up! When are you bringing them over?

Daughter: “I’m not bringing them over! I’m not going out!”

Jewish Mother: “If you never go out, how do expect to meet anyone?

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Jewish Land Owners Joke

by wdf on December 11, 2009

in Men

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.

The first Texan says, “My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger.”

The second Texan says, “My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John’s.”

They both look at the Jewish man who says, “My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres.”

Roger looks down at him and say, “300 Acres? What do you raise?” “Nothing” Irving says. ”Well then, what do you call it?” Asked John.

“Downtown Dallas.”

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Jewish Traditions Joke

by wdf on December 10, 2009

in Random

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.

The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn’t know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98 year old man who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, “Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?”

The old man answered, “No, that is not the tradition.”

The one whose followers sat said,”Then the tradition is to sit during Shema!”

The old man answered, “No, that is not the tradition.”

Then the rabbi said to the old man, “But the congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand.”

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, “THAT is the tradition!”

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