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The Tax Man Auditing a Synagogue

by wdf on March 5, 2010

in Random

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, ‘I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?’

‘Good question,’ noted the Rabbi. ‘We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.’

‘Oh,’ replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: ‘What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?’

‘Ah, yes,’ replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. ‘We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.’

‘I see,’ replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. ‘Well, Rabbi,’ he went on, ‘what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?’

‘Here, too, we do not waste,’ answered the Rabbi.

‘What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.’

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Guts or Balls… What have you got?

by wdf on March 1, 2010

in Men

Ever wondered about having “Guts” or “Balls”?? What is the difference between the two?

There is a medical distinction. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS

Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ”Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS

Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ”You’re next, fatty.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

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The quick & easy way to do housework

by wdf on February 24, 2010

in Women

1. Create a new folder on your computer.

2. Name it ‘Housework.’

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN/TRASH CAN.

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN/TRASH CAN.

5. Your computer will ask you, ‘Are you sure you want to delete ‘Housework’ permanently?’

6. Calmly answer, ‘Yes’ and press mouse button firmly …..

7. Feel better?

That really was the quick & easy way to do housework!
relax do housework the quick & easy way

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Oh no… we forgot the “R”!!

by wdf on February 22, 2010

in Men

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

monks copying scripts

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

monk and head abbott

The head monk, says, ‘We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.’

monk with lampHe goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by,and nobody see the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
“We missed the R!”
“We missed the R!”
“We missed the R!”

monk banging headHis forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, ‘What’s wrong, father?’

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
‘The word was… CELEB R ATE !!!

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The importance of planning

by wdf on February 11, 2010

in Kids

One night 4 college students were partying until late and did not study for a test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning, they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty as possible, with grease and dirt. They then went to the teacher and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return, a tyre burst on their car and they had to push the car all the way back home and that they were in no condition to do the test.

The teacher kindly allowed them to do a re-test after 3 days.

They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.

On the third day, they went for their test. The teacher said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days………………….

The test consisted of 1 single question, worth a total of 100 Marks……..

Q. 1. Which tyre?

a) Front Left b) Front Right
c) Back Left d) Back Right

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The fishing trip

by wdf on February 10, 2010

in Relationship

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Frank’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.

Frank’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire.

“Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said ‘guess who’?” I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.

And then she said “do whatever you want.”

“So, here I am.”

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Read instructions carefully

February 9, 2010
Thumbnail image for Read instructions carefully

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said, Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

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A cattle dog story

February 5, 2010

This one’s a bit Australian, if you’re from elsewhere Kevin is our PM, Julia is 2IC, enjoy! Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said “Julia, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters”. “Good idea Leader, how will we go about [...]

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Only A Man Would Try This… With A Taser

January 25, 2010

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!! Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary [...]

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Who Is The Greatest Lover Ever?

December 18, 2009

Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman and a Jewish man, were all talking about their love lives. The Italian man said, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.” The Frenchman [...]

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