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religion

The Tax Man Auditing a Synagogue

by wdf on March 5, 2010

in Random

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, ‘I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?’

‘Good question,’ noted the Rabbi. ‘We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.’

‘Oh,’ replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: ‘What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?’

‘Ah, yes,’ replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. ‘We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.’

‘I see,’ replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. ‘Well, Rabbi,’ he went on, ‘what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?’

‘Here, too, we do not waste,’ answered the Rabbi.

‘What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.’

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Oh no… we forgot the “R”!!

by wdf on February 22, 2010

in Men

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

monks copying scripts

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

monk and head abbott

The head monk, says, ‘We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.’

monk with lampHe goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by,and nobody see the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
“We missed the R!”
“We missed the R!”
“We missed the R!”

monk banging headHis forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, ‘What’s wrong, father?’

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
‘The word was… CELEB R ATE !!!

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Jewish Land Owners Joke

by wdf on December 11, 2009

in Men

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.

The first Texan says, “My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger.”

The second Texan says, “My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John’s.”

They both look at the Jewish man who says, “My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres.”

Roger looks down at him and say, “300 Acres? What do you raise?” “Nothing” Irving says. ”Well then, what do you call it?” Asked John.

“Downtown Dallas.”

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Jewish Traditions Joke

by wdf on December 10, 2009

in Random

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.

The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn’t know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98 year old man who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, “Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?”

The old man answered, “No, that is not the tradition.”

The one whose followers sat said,”Then the tradition is to sit during Shema!”

The old man answered, “No, that is not the tradition.”

Then the rabbi said to the old man, “But the congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand.”

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, “THAT is the tradition!”

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